Five Stages of Genuine Love
Many seemingly smitten people are brought to ask themselves if they are truly in love or not. GEORGIA TODAY spoke with Nino Kandelaki, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist of psycho-synthesis, art-therapist, a specialist oriented on body, and head of the Psychological Aid Center. Our topic of conversation was the five stages that genuine love passes through, be it between mere sweethearts, or spouses in it for the long-haul.
“We're going to talk about the five stages of love which were first classified by ancient Greeks and are now acknowledged by modern psychologists,” Kandelaki tells us.
“Before going to those stages in particular, we should explain what love is. Love is made up of the body, in terms of desire/libido; mind, which helps us to respect our partner; and soul, which gives us the chance to be friends and simply love each other as people. There is a saying: fall in love with love in order to find the joy of life. It’s a splendid saying, as the earth breathes through love, as do all healthy human relationships. Love helps people to love life and see themselves in the eyes of his/her lover”.
Tell us about the stages of love
The first is the erotic stage: libido between the two, which is an absolutely necessary component of love, however, not sufficient in itself as it cannot be developed. Sexual desire either exists or does not between a couple.
The second stage is Eros, which implies the emotional connection between souls. It means that you are simply pleased to be with your partner. There is a threat here of becoming obsessed, as endorphins are often born only when one sees one’s object of desire- resembling a drug-addiction, as one becomes dependent on another. By the side of your sweetheart, you are in heaven, whilst without them, one is as if without drugs- nervous and blue. This stage lasts for 1-4 years, after which love ends unless the couple shares common values and interests.
The third stage is Stogra, the rubicon of love. This is the stage of good, open-hearted friendship between the two. This relationship is based on common interests and values, when the two enjoy talking to each other. It means that they talk not only after physical relations, but can talk even instead of contact. Here, the emotional connection is not dominant, it is about genuine interest in your partner. However, even this is not sufficient…
These stages may be in process parallel to one another rather than strictly finishing one and starting the next.
The fourth is called Pragma, which verifies how effective a couple is together. In Georgian, the word itself ‘yoke goers’ (meughle), which is used for spouses, symbolizes two bulls that are under the same yoke. What matters most is that they should be headed in the same direction in order to be productive and ‘plough the land’. In this case, if there is harmony, 1+1 makes not 2, but 3, 4 and sometimes even 5, i.e. the couple is effective.
What about the fifth stage?
This is the ‘funeral repast,’ which already denotes a genuine love. It means that the couple cheerfully make a sacrifice for each other on a daily basis. In this happy case, both say: ‘I am yours’. If any one of the pair says that ‘you are mine,’ it is already a sense of property. Genuine love implies that both try to serve the other, making each other happy without any compulsion. We do not talk at all about merging. In the latter, which is an unhealthy phenomenon, one completely loses one’s individuality, as one loses one’s own desires and interests, telling the partner: ‘as you wish’. In the beginning, you may like such a person, but later on, such people become uninteresting, urging a partner to search for a new love interest. The so-called ‘funeral repast’ implies an unconditional love when both of the pair receives a partner with all his/her shortcomings instead of trying to change him/her, leaving it to love to make better changes. They serve each other, but it is by no means a relationship of a sacrifice and a savior. This stage reveals the main criterion of love: ‘if I feel good through your wellbeing and I do my best for you to feel better, and you do the same, it means that you love me, too’. It is simple but brilliant. This is the way of life, and even without saying it to one another, if they live like that, they genuinely love each other. Love makes a unity from two. Here, a completely new phenomenon- ‘us’ -emerges. One is not dominant at all, and there is no merging either. This is a qualitatively new phenomenon. They respect each other’s dignity, which is the main thing in the relationship.
How could it be compared with the love of a mother and child?
Love between a mother and a child is also unconditional, but it is instinctive, whereas love between partners is more sublime, as, here, each works on the self. There is quite a number of couples who reach the fifth stage. Such pairs have no sexual problems, as this kind of inner state naturally awakens a real man in a man and a real woman in a woman.
Maka Lomadze